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Today on Krotchett
The Difference Between a Vice President and a Police Commissioner
Bernard Kerik, former police commissioner of New York City, has been indicted on tax fraud and for making false statements to federal officials. The sixteen counts in the indictment could bring up to 142 years in prison and millions in fines. This is the same guy who got a lot of credit for his handling of 9/11. This is all over the news. Its been covered repeatedly by CNN, NBC, ABC MSNBC and CBS for several days. It’s been front page news on almost every major paper in America. Not a peep about the impeachment of the Vice-President,
Preacher Gets Religion-Overcome By Tolerance
The Reverence Gregory Gird, preacher at a thriving megachurch with 5,000 devoted members, caused quite a stir and lost 1,000 adherents when he gave a sermon in which he came right out and defended tolerance.
There were early warning signs that he might advocate the now intolerable virtue. When asked repeatedly by members to announce that he was against all the things right-thinking people are supposed to abhor, such as gay divorce, abortion for recreational purposes, and Democrats in general, he repeatedly demurred. MORE
Courts Rule Half of Country Too Ignorant to Vote
Congress Launches Investigation to Determine Which Half
With Republicans threatening to filibuster a new democratic effort to educate voters, the Supreme Court has ruled that 51% of the nation’s voters have inadequate intellectual skills to meet minimum standards for voting in national elections. “Punch chads, fill a little whole with your #2 pencil, put your voting card in an envelope, these are tasks most first grade students can do with ease, half of fully functional adults can’t get it right,” says Marvel Atme, National Director of Voter Standards. The Supreme Court Decision came down 4-3 with the two most recent judicial appointees abstaining. The president had no comment.
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Bush Vows to protect Constitution; from now on, nobody can use it
In an unprecedented move, the President of the United States has signed legislation in his own mind that would prevent any further use of the Constitution, citing possible terrorist activity. “Frankly, the Patriot Act ain’t gonna cut it,” the President said, employing his unique disregard for the English language, “folks are just gonna have to realize we’re in a war with terrorists, and that war is going to be long and hard. We need to protect our Constitution,” he added, gesturing with a plastic coated copy he grabbed from theair souvenir shop behind him.
Idiotic Human Behavior Traced To Greenhouse Gases
An innovative study by an environmental scientist attempts to explain the recent uptick in idiotic human behavior. According to the resourceful researcher, the likely culprit is the abundant supply of greenhouse gases. As a result of their ascendance, there is simply not enough oxygen left in the atmosphere for the human brain to function at the usual level.
The Perks of Global Warming
Marya Mannes once wrote, “The earth we abuse and the living things we kill will, in the end, take their revenge; for in exploiting their presence we are diminishing our future.” Obviously Ms. Mannes preferred the status quo - health, sanity, logic, blah, blah, blah. Why? Green House Roulette is so much more intriguing.
North Korea Agrees to Ditch Nukes, Disarm Army, Attend Church andFord Factory
In an astounding turnaround, North Korea has gone from being prime member of the Presidents’ Axis of Evil, to a model country on the road to democracy. While some people appear to be skeptical of the announcement, Republicans and the President are pleased with the progress. “I know it’s hard to believe,” says a beaming George Bush, “but the proof is in the pudding.” More
Karl Rove to Join Ice Capades
Bush's (former) Brain has resurfaced. The longtime friend and ally of the president, affectionately called "Turd Blossom", is rumored to have signed a contract with the popular touring ice dancing show, the Ice Capades. While details of the agreement are being guarded closely by both parties, those close to the deal say that it is "big money".
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